watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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