12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
