My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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