you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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