if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
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I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
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If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
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