had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating