Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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