Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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