I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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