I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
