I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
