Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
