3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
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wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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