I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
