So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
MIDGETS
????
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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