Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Found the puke drawer
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
