I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Randomize
