The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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