i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
