oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Randomize
