I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Randomize
