Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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