I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Randomize
