true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Randomize
