wanna go halves on a baby?
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
