I wish I could teleport
The maid of honor just puked.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Randomize
