Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
