In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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