I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Randomize
