Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
