What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
did i walk over a car last night?
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
