Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize