guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
