she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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