did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
