No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
