the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
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