Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
