I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
