I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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