I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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