"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
