I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
