I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
