he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
