You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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