Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
