Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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