woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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