I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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