today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
