John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
They have beer where we have blood.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
