sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
