i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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