if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.