i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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