My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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