ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Randomize
