i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
