We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
