Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
