in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
