Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
